"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."
--Billiam Coronell
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
--Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery